My new sofa

aka couch. I got it on facebook, which is the new craigslist. They're delivering it tomorrow just as I leave for the airport. I won't even get to really enjoy it until later. But Nancy and Beata and Kalea and Summer will get to enjoy it, cuz they're all having a slumber party WITHOUT ME. At my HOUSE.

Kinda makes me sad.

But then I remember, I'm going to Chicago! And I feel better.

Spam Filter (Rated PG-13) PART 2

Hair and Body image:

• Build a new life losing no hair from now on.
• This is the medicine that will help you obtain slenderness and grace without exhaustion!
• You should not refuse beer if you love it! You can enjoy beer and look good as well!
• Prepare to catch the jealous looks on your hair.

Completely useless to me:

• Your device is so little, she hardly finds it in bed?
• If watering your instrument doesn't help it become bigger we know what works.
• Your male strength will come back to you like a boomerang.
• She will not need a magnifying glass from now to find your tool.
• We offer the best alarm clocks for your small friend down there.
• Enlarging your male tool means winning a war.
• We know how to get your small friend up.

And my favorites:

• Will dance for Gum.
• We're Short on Euphemism Today.

Kady = inappropriate

Today I heard about a poor guy I sort of know and how his toes got amputated and then now he's having some serious gangrene issues.

I made a Little Piggies joke. Something about 'all the way home'.




One time in high school my favorite teacher and major crush was showing me a picture of his mom. She had recently died and he was looking for photos for a nice poster board, or obituary or something.

I said, "She looks good. For being dead." (This one I really thought was very funny and that he would laugh and laugh. He only sort of blankly stared at me and said nothing.)





An older woman was telling me all about her son and sort of implying that he was single, and I was single, and well...

I said, "I thought he was only into Asian girls."

CheeLay

I told my boss that I'm going to Chile in November. I was trying to be urban, hip and cool (as usual) and so I used the correct Spanish pronunciation which is Chee-Lay. She was excited for me, but asked,

"Now, where is that? South America?"

In my head I was like, 'um, yes, dummy, it's in South America', but I thought, well maybe she's just a super mortgage genius and not very good at Geography.  And so, we kept talking and I said Chee-Lay enough times to start feeling stupid, so I switched it up and started using the Minnesotan accented pronunciation: Chilly.

She goes, "CHILLY? CHILLY? I KNOW WHERE THAT IS!"

An Embarrassing Mexico Story

So Daniel Tosh is coming to town, which reminds me of a story. He is one of my favorite comedians, and one time I went to see him, and happened to chat a little with him in the bar after his performance. I laughed at something and he goes, "you have a shrill voice". So then I told him this story:

I went to Cancun with my mom and Keri and Marc and Dawn Aasen and Auntie Betsy and they all decided that they wanted to take a day trip out to Cozumel, but I had already been there plus I didn't feel like WAKING UP and we were at an all inclusive so they all went and I decided to stay behind. I went down by the pool and got a chair and started reading/napping/drinking/napping/reading. It was nice. I was kind of facing the ocean but on a several-tiered area near a pool. Then Jorge, the studly gorgeous events coordinator stops by to chat me up and I start talking to him, trying to practice my Spanish but giving up and reverting to English *like I do* and we chatted for a little while about mundane things. Where are you from?
What do you do?
etc. etc. etc.
And once in a while, while I'm talking I hear the faint sound of a woman yelling, but it's no more than a mosquitos volume, what with the loud crashing waves so nearby. And so I ignore it and keep talking. And a little later the mosquito becomes a little louder and I hear "shut up!" , but keep talking (of course). And soon enough I hear "BE QUIET!", but this person is SO not talking to me and so of course I never stop talking. Mind you I was not yelling or anything. Just *maybe* talking into waves, to a guy sitting maybe 6 feet from me...talking about the mortgage business for crying out loud. And then suddenly, out of the blue:

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! YOUR VOICE. IS LIKE A DRILL. TO MY HEAD!!!"

At this point it became clear that the woman was talking to me. I started crying and Jorge was at a loss for what to do and so he just walked away.

Favorite Song - Makes me think of ol' Nance

I mean YOUNG Nance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jc3ZAs17uAg

Gollum: I'm BACK.

So, I innocently was dropping Murphy off at Kasey and Ben's tonight and I come in the door and this is what they're watching. So, yah. I won't be sleeping tonight. Or tomorrow. I'm so over that other dude from the Village. This is the Real Deal. My absolute fear from childhood, now thanks to crapping Peter Jackson, personified as follows:

Kelly read The Hobbit to me when I was really little and she used a very scary voice for Gollum. "My PRECIOUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS", she would say. Since then, naturally, every 'murdered-in-my-sleep' scenario I have dreamed up has somehow included this being. Exploited by my mean mean sisters of course. Kasey used to call and leave me voicemails from Gollum, which helped. (ha) One time she was dropping me off and she had to drive home to her house and she said she was scared and so I made the tragic mistake of trying to make her scareder (probably to get her back for something), and so I was talking about all of the scary figures in the back of her van lurking in the dark, to murder her on the way home, and I'm getting into my house, and she screams out the van window: "GOLLUM IS CRAWLING UP THE SIDE OF YOUR HOUSE!!!!" HAG.

Anyways, it's a long-standing relationship we have, Gollum and me. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm about to pull some covers up over every piece of my body except my breathing hole, and quite possibly pee in my bed.

Conversation with Neighbor Who Came Home to Find me in front of a Fire Drinking Beer...

Kindly Neighbor: "That smells good!"

Kady: "I farted."

Nothing much funny ever happens at my job...

And that's why I laughed HYSTERICALLY at this 'rear' photo of a property. See if you can see what made me pee my pants.

You probably didn't see it here first...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY


I love this lady and I totally cried when I watched it. My favorite part and the thing that made me cry is Simon's face!

This is the ReDONKulous reason why I haven't slept in three days

The monster from "The Village" by M. Night Shamalama.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. This movie wasn't even that scary. I knew the ending before I even watched it. But now this thing is in my yard when I walk from the garage to the house, in my closet and also standing over my bed while I try to sleep.

I need help. I'm completely worthless at home now. I can't vaccuum (duh!), I can't do laundry (or even go in the basement), and I can't sleep. Not to mention personal hygiene. I need somebody to come and sit on the toilet and talk to me in a soothing voice while I shower for about the next 6 months.

Signed,
Kady "Even Got Scared by Jurassic Park" Hexum

Grocery Store Conversation with Man Carrying Groceries

Man: Wow, is this car new?

Kady: No, it's about four years old.

Man: It still has that "new car" smell!

Kady: I try not to fart in the car.

Things I Don't Like

1. Realizing that I hadn't gone to the bathroom at all at work today - not even once - until leaving work at 8:30pm.

2. Taking the stairs late at night because of a very rational and normal fear of the elevator. Refer to an earlier post regarding rational fear of elevator by clicking HERE.

Things I Like

When people roll down the potato chip bag so as to gain easier access to the chips at the bottom of the bag, I think it looks SO CUTE.

Spam Filter (Rated PG-13)

I have a spam filter at work, and I'm notified a couple times a week to go in there and delete/deliver messages.

Here are samples of the fabulous offers that I have been missing because of my stupid firewall:

Questions about breast size:

• A complete natural way to enhance your breast.
• Get yourself the breast of your dream Via Quick Bust.

How about muscles?:

• The wanted tough muscles are easy to get with HGG.

Pimples?:

• A pimple, two pimples, three pimples, They do not leave you, Repulse them!

Relationships?:

• Girl would like to have a boyfriend.

Money matters?:

• You can save really a lot, I've told you many times.

General health?:

• Say, No!, to herpes and, Yes!, to kisses!

Love matters?:

• Your intimate happiness is not far away.
• Your wife will be cooking you food so you can have her right.
• The blue pill will make your p*nis work in a few minutes.
• Your male member is screaming.
• You will always hear "Yes" when you offer a woman to share a bed with you.
• Give your partner more satisfaction and more pleasant moments.
• No more failures in bed! If you think this is impossible, you are mistaken.
• How to Get A Girl to Do AAnything (sic) And Everything in Bed.
• Dont loose (sic) hope to improve your intimate life.
• She will meet you all days with all your love.

And, my personal favorite and all-time winner:

• Your ,limo, stands idle in the garage, Fuel it with the new Via!

New Epic Film

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsLqKAvKiQM

A Harrowing Experience

This morning, late as usual, I pulled into the office parking lot. A woman was behind me coming into the building, but not close enough behind me for me to wait and hold the door. We have two sets of doors to enter at our building. So I tried to kind of hurry so that I wouldn't be in the uncomfortable position of having to stand and wait while she realized I was standing and waiting and then have to run to catch up to me, just so I could pat myself on the back for being polite.
**Yesterday I was the girl who had to run to catch up because some guy 20 yards ahead decided to hold the door. It's just uncomfortable anyway you slice it.**
So anyway, I kind of hurried up to get to the second door too, and didn't hold it either, but it was OK because she was way too far behind. But then she started to catch up, and so when I got to the elevators I was annoyed because I knew that now I would really have to wait for her. Both elevators were waiting on 1st floor. So I ran in one, hit the 4 button a hundred times rapidly and crossed my fingers that she wouldn't jump in the elevator at the last minute.
She didn't!
I made it alone!
No awkward conversations, no me explaining why I didn't hold any doors and no laughing nervously, while she, probably annoyed too, wouldn't respond or even crack a smile.

So anyways, I felt the elevator reach my floor, and you know an elevator will raise up, settle, ding and then dip? It never dinged! It never dipped! I was hanging in that suspended spot before the ding and the dip. I got stuck in the elevator. Surely somebody was punishing me for being so greedy and impolite. I immediately called the front desk at my office and told Barb that I was stuck in the elevator, and added for drama, "I'm scared". The elevator felt really weird, hanging in space, it felt bouncy and not stable at all. Suddenly I realized what a tiny room an elevator is and I started to get claustrophobic.

I was in the "safe" elevator. Our building has two, and in the past somebody had to use their umbrella to get themself out of that elevator. One time some kind of piston exploded and sent tons of oil into the lobby of our building, causing the tiles and carpet to be replaced. It was out of commission for about a month. So I have to say I wasn't really surprised to realize I was stuck, I was just surprised that it was in the good elevator.

I looked around and decided I was going to have to get comfortable. I took my coat off. I took inventory. Coffee. Check. Phone. Check. Mace. Check. Super Awesome Lunch. Check. (About 2 pounds of sauer kraut and polish sausage from Kramarcek's). So I knew I would be OK if this turned out to be an all day thing. But I still felt panic in my stomach. What if the elevator dropped 4 flights? Would that hurt? Would I break my ankles? Would I die? So I texted some people and tried to stay "haha" about it. People started to crowd around in the hallway, and they were talking to me through the door. Brad from my office tried to pry the doors open and I guess he got it open like and inch on the outside. I tried to pry them open from the inside, but of course didn't get that far.

I was irritated because I was 20 minutes past my usual half-hour late point. (Do the math, 50 minutes late.) I was hoping to slink past my boss' office. And now here I am, busted, and I can hear her outside the door, talking to me. Oh well. I yelled to her "CALL MY MOTHER! TELL HER I LOVE HER!" Later I screamed, "I'M LOSING HOPE!"

The whole experience lasted about 15 minutes. Then suddenly the doors opened! My entire office was standing in the hallway cheering. The funny thing was, I'm standing IN THE ELEVATOR talking to everybody, and they're like "GET OUT OF THE ELEVATOR!!!"

I still have some butterflies in my stomach. SCARY.

If anybody wonders why I am so boring on the blog front lately...

Work has been very busy. Today I worked from 9:30 to 10:30 and then rolled home...ate a cheese danish over the sink, washed it down with a half bottle of wine and a beer, and then played 6 scrabble games on Facebook.

Tomorrow it's the same. I can't wait for Nancy to get here on Friday night for some fun fun fun. Or at least some wine drinking and chat chat chat. Maybe it will be nice enough for a fire? And hopefully a massage? Nancy? Are you out there?

p.s. I'm hiring. I need a cleaning lady, a laundry lady, a dishes lady, a mowing lady (soon enough), a groceries lady, a jokes lady for when I'm sad and a bills lady, a speech writing lady, a lady to file my amended tax return and a lady to organize the office area of my bedroom that I never quite really organized in a previous post. Maybe I should just get a wife? BA DUM CHING! Now I know how the men have it! SNAP! ZING! OOH! ZOW! Take my wife, NO! I mean it, take her! WHOA! Is it getting HOT in here? DONT GET ME STARTED! Folks, I'm here all week. I just flew in from Minneapolis and BOY are my arms tired!

My niece Hanna's thoughts on the subject of Tarantulas on the Arm:

"Last night I began to wonder what would happen if someone put a giant teranchula on my arm. It would be cool to just calmly flick it off your arm and pretend it never happened so the people who put it on your arm to scare you had their plans ruined, but for me I don't think that is very realistic. After a lot of consideration the worst thing I could do is run screaming up and down flapping my arms above my head and jumping around, then throw up on my shoes and faint, falling right into the barf. Since I do not throw up from gross things and I do not faint I decided that wasn't very realistic either. So after much consideration the reaction I would have would be to run screaming around the room flapping my arms above my head, then burst into tears and scream at whoever did it. Seriously people, DO NOT put a teranchula on my arm, they are ICKY!"

Cute!

I hope my friend doesn't mind me sharing this link, but I'm sort of in love with her family.

http://richandkellie.blogspot.com/2009/04/and-this-is-why-i-married-him.html

Karaoke

sweet

I ripped this off of perezhilton.com. hilarious.

Normandale Nerd

I was just chatting with Ali and I remembered a funny time in my Spanish 3 class at Normandale Community College. I had just come from Spanish 2 and it was getting hard, and so I knew that I would probably need a study group like I had in 2. An older lady and I and one of the 'nerd'ier boys would get together in the older lady's townhouse in Eagan and we would STUDY for class together. So, on the first day of Spanish 3 I pretty much stood up and announced to the whole class that if anybody was interested in starting a STUDY GROUP that we could meet at my house and they should let me know. I thought for sure everybody would be like, "YAY!" and "You're so cool for offering!" "Just what we need!" "A study group!" but instead I was met with a deafening silence and tons of humiliation.