Lil' Miyo

My niece Miyo talking into a banana like it was a phone: "OK, someone is going to open this for me. Gotta go. This is not a phone."

Kady and Kasey

I'd like to share a facebook photo comment trail that I happen to find wildly hilarious. Behold: Kasey and I on a family roadtrip out to Yellowstone National Park in 1991.

1991 was a really good hair year.

• 
• Kady:  Blonde perm and braces. Looks like the breast buds were coming in too...
• February 10, 2009 at 11:57pm ·

• 
  

  Kasey:  gross! Your breast buds used to be bigger than mine. Notice my Hilary Clinton headband. It had batting in it or something under the navy blue fabric to make it puffy.
  

  February 11, 2009 at 11:45am ·

• 
  

  Kady:  why is there gum on my face?
  

  February 11, 2009 at 1:20pm ·
• 
  

  Keri:  That hair cut, even when in style never did anything for anyone.
  

  February 11, 2009 at 3:32pm ·
• 
  

  Keri:  Look at those two sweeties smiling with arm around eachother, like they never would think of fighting.
  

  February 11, 2009 at 3:33pm ·
• 
  

  Kady:  I loved it! It was shaved up the back.
  

  February 11, 2009 at 3:34pm ·
• 
  

  Kasey:  I think we were laughing at the fact that I had just taken a crap on the ground in the mountains. The brakes were heating up due to overuse and we had to pull over where there was nothing but wilderness. When you gotta go, you gotta go.
  

  February 11, 2009 at 6:23pm ·
• 
  

  Kady:  p.s. Kasey in this photo, the smoke behind you sort of makes it look like you just totally farted.
  

  April 19, 2009 at 11:59pm ·
• 
  

  Kady:  Or maybe that was your smoking poo, laying on the ground behind you.
  

  April 20, 2009 at 12:00am ·
• 
  

  Kasey:  that's alot of smoke, either that or alot of poo
  

  September 22, 2009 at 2:55pm ·
• 
  

  Jennifer:  OMG !! Thanks for the laugh!! I totally miss you guys!! lol
  

  November 3, 2009 at 8:06pm ·
• 
  

  Kasey:  Miles, "Mom, look at her and tell me her name shouldn't be Bryce."
  

  20 hours ago ·
• 
  

  Kasey:  Yay, I'm a Becky.
  

  20 hours ago·
• 
  

  LaMortimer: You guys are livin the vida loca here
  

  19 hours ago
• 
  

  Anita: Did both of you play Becky in 'Roseanne' at some point?
  

  12 hours ago
• 
  

  LaMortimer: Kasey may have been on fire in this photo
  

  12 hours ago
• 
  

  Kasey:  My neck filled in for the role of Becky for two episodes. They were cut.
  

  12 hours ago

My Mom.

I want my mom to tell this story so bad.


 


But my stupid, stupid phone was too full of dumb pictures like this...

Come on. Hilarious.

...and the video cut out. So I'll finish telling the story here.

To review: My mom accidentally passed gas at Menards (to relieve some pressure. There was no sharting.) She sent my dad off to shop in an attempt to scrunch collect herself.

The rest of the story goes something like this:

Once the storm had calmed, they met up again. As they were walking through the aisles near the 'incident', they saw a Menards employee -- on hands and knees -- sniff testing underneath all of the gas grills, presumably to look for a noxious chemical leak because something stunk THAT bad and someone had obviously reported it.

Ol' Hal grabbed my Mom's hand in a valiant act of solidarity and escorted her out of the store, heads held high.

On Golden Pond

Remember this magical place?

My sister Kim's pond in Northern Minnesota.

Well, it's not just for winter sports! During my nephew's graduation party, a few of us snuck off to the pond to enjoy a little canoeing, a little paddle boating, and a little competitive racing and bumper-canoeing:

What me, Worry? (Laurissa, I borrowed your shoes without asking while you were in Eastern Europe. BUSTED.)

An Email to Roxie

An email I wrote to my buddy Roxie from Tucson.
January 10, 2012:

hahahaAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA   

I don't have any funny stories for you today.  I worked 12 hours...oh yes I do.  Here's one:

Every time I go to the bathroom I'm amazed at how GOOD my butt smells, it's like a wonderful powdery but not too powdery clean smell.  Yesterday and today.  I can't get over how great it smells, and I'll be very honest, I haven't showered since last Thursday, (I did a wet wipe on my butt the other day, but they're not powder scented) so it just doesn't make ANY SENSE.  

I finally figured it out.  My renters left behind some Dreft laundry detergent from their babies.  Well I decided to make that my underwear washing detergent and I washed a bunch of brand new underwears I bought at the GAP in Dreft.  Anyways, that's the yummy smell.  (And a great tip to mask butt smell.)

"Dreft. I wouldn't dream of washing my grungies in anything else."

~Kady. Mediocre Blogger.

A shining endorsement, indeed. 

Summer and Roxie

Miyo-isms, Vol. 2

"There's nothin' wrong with boys. Ok there's something wrong with Justin Bieber. He's like trying to be cute. But he's not." 

"Lady Gaga is just for a song. And a friend."

"Hey LADY!"

"You know who likes Justin Bieber? Lisa. Lisa and Lexi. Lexi wishes he would come over to her house."

"I don't like Justin Bieber, okay? You can keep driving."

_____

We spent the day together on Sunday and she rode her bicycle for the very first time without training wheels! She did great.

You ever seen a cuter bicyclist?

And then it started pouring so we hung out in the car...

Really, Miyo? "I love Kady"? If you loved me you wouldn't write on my windows.

She had no good answer for that one.

...and the rain didn't let up so we went to have Pupusas at my favorite new restaurant Pupuseria la Palmera on 42nd and Cedar. If you live in Minneapolis you simply must go and have the revueltas (pork, tomato, onion, green pepper and cheese.) Miyo had the cheese with loroco (an edible flower). Smother them in Cole Slaw and Salsa...only $1.75 each. We had three pupusas and two pineapple juices for less than $10...

...and then the sun came out and Miyo and I went back and rode the entire way around Lake Nokomis and then some. THREE miles total on her first day out! Of course we stopped for six thousand "I need to scratch my nose" and "my muscles hurt" breaks and some obligatory playtime at the park:

Makin' new friends!

Go, Miyo, Go.

Sunday Favorites: How to Be a Great Guest

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. Enjoy! I wrote the following article as a guest post for The Karina Chronicles back on 4/12/12:


If you’re going to spend any amount of time traveling, chances are at some point you’ll be hosted by a stranger. These tried and true methods will guarantee an invitation to return:

Get Into the Culture

Do some advance research and find out all that you can about your Hosts' culture.  In Samoa, it's impolite to speak to someone seated if you are standing.  In Thailand, its very rude to point the bottom of your foot at someone. In some cultures it's not OK to refuse an offer of food.  Research will help you know what to do in such situations, but more often than not you'll be glad to accept -- like the time I was given fresh sugar cane in Samoa:

Delicious!  But let's speak at eye level, OK?

Don't Hole Up

Plan to be social at least part of the time.  You'll make your Hosts feel very uncomfortable if you hideout in your room twenty-four-seven.  If you need to sleep off some jet lag, politely explain but make plans to join them for coffee or a meal the next day.

Leave No Trace

Leave your clothes and toiletries packed away in your suitcase and take them out only when in use. Jump up and clear the table as soon as the after-dinner conversation has waned.  If you feel comfortable, wash the dishes.  Make your bed every day. When it's time to leave, strip the bed and leave everything folded neatly.

Offer to Help

While staying in New Zealand, I told the older couple with whom I was staying that I would love to help with any chores that needed doing. I had a blast all afternoon chucking recyclables at the dump with Henry.

"Get out your aggressions, Hexum" -Henry

Keep Your Word
If you say you're going to arrive at a certain time, stick to it.  Stay in touch about your plans and don't stay out too late unless arranged in advance. You'll feel bad if they lost sleep worrying about you.

Ask Permission
Don't assume anything.  Better to ask first.

Give a Gift, or Two

Bring a small token from your hometown or the last city you visited.  After you've gotten to know them a little better, a nice parting gift specific to their taste and personality is in order. If you’re unsure, treat them to a fancy dinner out.

Now it's Your Turn

Learn from your Hosts and vow to pay it forward the next time guests come your way.

I Had the House to Myself for Five Minutes

You may remember my current bathroom situation.  And look at the cute note my roomie/other mom left me at the bottom of my "housesitting chore list":

O.YES.I DID!!

Hanna-isms

Some -isms from my hilarious niece Hanna:


"See that old lady? That's my Grandma."

"I don't like being in charge of myself in general."

"Intestines never look good."

"Ugh. I HATE bean bags."

On trying a one-piece swimsuit for the first time: "It's like my butt decided to wear underwear and the rest of my body said, 'Hey! Let's share!'"

My little doppelgänger.

Looking at Those Disgusting Hemorrhoids Reminds Me of Something...

Hobo Siren's recent Out of Context Friday Caption Photo Context reminded me of a story.

A group of my friends and I were hanging out one night and my sister Kasey got it in her head that it would be a BRILLIANT idea for us all to google image search for hemorrhoids. (She's like that.)  We looked at scads of photos. Scads. They're gross. I'm not going to post photos here, you'll just have to make your own search.

Anyway, we were all crowded around the computer screen, unable to look away when I remarked,(And in my opinion, the following is probably one of the funniest things I've ever said.)

"It's like looking in your mom's purse."

Click photo for credit -- I robbed it from a very messy blogger.

The resemblance is uncanny. Google it. Trust me.

Who Are We Kidding? Self-Deprecation, Part 2

Hobo Siren attempts to cure what ails me, and then we indulge in some first-world-woe-is-me-isms.

Take a listen:



  Podcast Powered By Podbean

Summer-isms, Vol. 35

"Once you're happily married your life is over." 

"I want my face to reflect the fact that I biked 22 miles today. Weight-wise." 

"I probably shouldn't say stuff like that but I mean it."

"I wish we had three more bottles of wine."

"Is it The GAP? No? GAP? Well that's their first problem."

I Love Dancing

If that's what you call it.

*Check out Amber French Photography while you're at it. She's amazing.

Sunday Favorites: Rock-isms

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. Enjoy! This story originally appeared on September 18, 2010, when I was bartending at a little fishing lodge up near International Falls MN:

 

Meet Rock.  The lovable, adorable Chicago-an who spends parts of every summer at the Lodge where I work.  He's in his sixties, and has a full-on "DA BEARSS" accent straight outta Soldier Field in Chicago. 

When you read these quotes, you gotta read them in that accent:

__________

"You're built for speed."

"You could make big time babies wit your hips."

"I'm telling you da trooth."

"You look like you come from a healthy gene pool."

"I'm just an old fart that loves nice lookin' women.  Like you.  I'm telling you da trooth."

"You got dimples in your cheeks.  Ya know what dat means?  Dat means, I bet you pull down those pants and you got dimples in those cheeks too."

"You have all the physical attributes."

"You're a great lady."

"You're a great baby maker."

"I love that posterior."

"I love you."

"I'd love to propegate wit you."

"You're unique."

"Take it fromma guy that's 62 years old.  I'm tellin' you da trooth."

All these Rock-isms came at me over the course of maybe two hours.  And yes, I turned around and wrote them on a napkin so I wouldn't forget them.  When I did, I got the posterior comment, and also this one:

"You're a southpaw.  Southpaws are brilliant, ya know."

So did I get offended and slap him across the face?  No.  I smiled and laughed.  Like all of this is witty, hilarious and charming.  Because I'm a bartender.  And that's what we do.

A Gift for my Commenters

It's not that I fear spam commenters.

It's not that I want to annoy you out of commenting.

It's that I'm just not tech-savvy, folks. I'm a little bit of a computer dunderhead.

I wanted to shut word verification off. But I didn't know how -- until now -- and I want you to know how too. Here is the link to turn of word verification for Blogger. It's easy! Special thanks to Dana over at five30three.

I think you'll find it's easier to comment on my blog now, folks. No more squinting to try and discern what the heck you're supposed to decode, however funny they may be:

Mean, Mean Younger Sister

I'm loving this new series: Mean, Mean Older Sister.

I got an email from a person in my extended family who wishes to remain anonymous. You can try to guess who it was, but I'll never tell. She asked if I'd like to hear a "Mean, Mean Younger Sister" story and of course I said YES. It seems that one time when she was a little kid she got mad at her older brother. She went into his underwear drawer and pulled out a pair of his underwear. Then she pooped in them and put them back.*

*I am crying I am laughing so hard as I type this. There are literally tears in my eyes.

Mean, Mean Older Sister, Vol. 2

After writing about Kelly and her terrible terrible meanness, and do you remember how mean she can really be? It got me thinking: was I ever mean to my younger sister Kasey? And of course the answer is no.

Look at us, getting along! At the Union Hall! Square dancing!

I do remember one time though, when Kasey was in the bathtub and I was mad at her for some reason -- I went into her bedroom and pulled out her entire underwear drawer. The full physical drawer. I brought it into the bathroom and dumped its contents into the bathwater with Kasey. So she had no underwear to put on after she got out.

Ha!

Podcast Wednesday Resumes!

Who Are We Kidding would like to apologize for the recent 6-week podcast hiatus. The Siren was finishing college and starting a new job as a professional writer and I housesat twice for a total of three cats and a dog and then rode a bicycle for 150 miles. (I'm still trying to figure out who's lonelier.)

So I self-deprecate. So what? Hobo Siren says, "No way, man" and tries to cure me:

Podcast Powered By Podbean

"Another terrible thing about myself, which will also make you uncomfortable..."

--Old Lady Kady

Do you need to catch up on your podcasts?  Click here.

Eddie

When we were kids, there was a deaf man named Eddie that lived in our apartment complex. I don't know how old he was, but at the time he seemed to me like he was 50. Anyway, he was our friend. My sister Kim was learning sign language and she practiced on him all the time. I learned a few signs too. Mostly I would slowly slowly sign:

"How"...

"Do"...

"You"...

"Say"

...and then I would spell out the word I wanted to know with slow slow finger spelling. And then Eddie would show me the sign. Poor Eddie. This would go on for hours. The only thing I ever really retained was the word "turtle", and "constipation".

One time Eddie came on a car trip with my family. Which meant there had to have been nine people in our car, and I'm sure I was getting antsy because I was squirming all over the place. My mom got fed up and screamed at me, "Why can't you be more like Eddie! Look at him! He's sitting quietly!"I'm sure Eddie was wondering why everybody in the car looked at him suddenly. And I was left to wonder why, in fact, I couldn't be more like 50-year-old Eddie?

This story will probably horrify my parents and I don't think they've heard it before:

Eddie had his couch set up diagonally in the corner of his living room. One day, Pete and Kelly let themselves into Eddie's apartment and hid behind the couch. He was deaf, you know, so he couldn't hear them come in. They even were yelling things like, "Hey Eddie! We're over here!" from behind the couch and then giggling because this was proabably the easiest hiding job they ever did. They waited...and waited.

...and then, when poor Eddie came into the living room to sit on his couch to watch TV, Pete and Kelly JUMPED OUT! and scared him!

Oh how he laughed. At least they said he was laughing.

Poor Eddie.

Summer-isms, Vol. 34

"He's like...26 or 27. Its a lotta gun."

"This is why I don't wear shirts."

"If I had Cancer, I'd get cable."

"Congratu-fricka-lations."

"An Agoraphobic has stability."