I Must Really Want to Do My Hair.

I mean I must really miss my family. Last night I dreamed Kelly and Kasey and I met up at mom and dads (which was mysteriously the apartment we grew up in) and I was so happy because I went in the bathroom and found like ten curling irons plugged in.

Ps Kelly you were wearing patched jeans. Like patches from oil companies (gas stations, etc) and I was so confused at the new trend. The patches were arranged perfectly at right angles all over the jeans and were not meant to cover any holes. You had three pairs so I knew you meant it.

Germany

One thing I love to do when traveling is to stop at a cafe, get a typical meal for the country I'm in and a coffee prepared in that country's typical style.

New Meme

My friend Eric hash tagged it: #hexumhats. 

Ross-isms, Vol. 2

"Kady, when you drink it doesn't make you funnier. It just makes you louder."

"We're in England. Obviously when I say 'left' I mean 'right'."

"Oh. That's you. I thought it was some other elderly lady."

I Wish Advance Planning Was More "My Thing"

Maybe we should have planned more in advance...?

Turns out you can't really get from Paris to Brussels to Amsterdam to Berlin to Warsaw to Krakow for $5 so we're changing plans a bit. Instead we'll take buses to Berlin and Krakow next weekend and skip all the other stuff. It's going to work out better though this way -- we'll have way more time in Croatia and Greece.

For the last two days Ross and I have been touring around London. We walked at least two to three hours each day and my legs and back are killing me. (Old lady.) We saw Big Ben, walked along the South Bank, went to the Tate Modern Museum, the Natural History Museum, the Victoria and Albert Museum (all free), and switched hostels to save £6.

Additional money saving tips: eat only the free hostel breakfast, bread from a loaf you bought at a grocery store a week ago with jam and butter nicked from free hostel breakfast, and a £2.30 sub sandwich at a train station. Do not take the train. Walk everywhere. In the rain. If you must drink alcohol, purchase only a shot of Malibu Rum to mix with the free hostel orange juice. This will set you back £2.50, but you won't care because you're kind of hungry. Only £4.80 spent in one day if you don't count the ridiculous price of £23 for a hostel bunk bed.

Must. Get. To. Eastern. Europe. Fast.

It's perfectly normal that alcohol would be more than 50% of the days spending, right?

Summer-isms, Vol. 41

"I have a problem. I don't like the company of men."

"I will tell you I have a hard time getting off of a bicycle."

"My car likes to be driven hard." 

"I know that sounds dirty and I'm glad it does."

"You biked better than me."

This is a screenshot of the Facetime conversation when I told Summer my mom had cancer. (Bad news makes us gorgeous.)

Douche

One of the things I like to do as I travel the world is to educate people about America. I try to bring a fair impression of my country to those who might have been misinformed. For example, my poor Englishman friend had no idea from where the term "Douche Bag" originated.  

I told him about the erroneous lady-cleansing trend in the 1970's and '80's and the plastic and the soapy water and the tube and the whole bit. And I told him you're really not supposed to do it.

Then I told him the story of the time when my brother found my mom's *ahem* non-disposable *thing* and brought it to the dinner table when we had company:

"Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. What is this thing?"

"Aah! Pete! Put that away! I'll tell you later."

"No, Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Just tell me now. Just tell me now Mom."

(With clenched teeth:) "Pete put that thing away, now! I'll tell you later."

"No, Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Just tell me now. Just tell me now Mom."

"PETE!"

(My poor mom had it at the top of our linen closet for years and probably got it free after having a baby and never used it.)

Another acceptable definition of the word "Douche": 

The sound your mouth should make when you're pantomiming punching something, usually in twos. 

I forgot to tell the poor Englishman about the song "Summer Breeze, makes me feel fine..." (you know the one) and how I sang along at the top of my lungs at work, except I legitimately thought the words were "Summer's Eve...". Or maybe I didn't forget. Maybe Ross was giving me the silent "shut up" and maybe the poor Englishman had changed the subject twice already.

See? Educating the World. The poor Englishman probably only previously knew this definition I found on the Internet:

An individual who has an overinflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intelligence, behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues with no regard to how moronic he appears. 

Try google images. You'll find one photo of the plastic device but 6,000 like this:

Ross-isms

"I keep finding other people's hairs in my clothing.  I just pray they're yours."

Flush Boy

Ross and I stayed our first three nights in England at a friend's place out in Cornwall. Brett and his dad Luke were amazing hosts. We were very well taken care of, and had comfy warm beds to sleep in. I liked most how Brett knew after getting off the plane from Minneapolis and driving six hours out to his place I would need a beer immediately upon arrival. 

We were showered with delicious cous-cous/pork and chicken/bacon salads for dinner and sausages, waffles and tea for breakfast.

Are you kidding me? After this salad I asked Brett to marry me.

Unfortunately there was a problem with Brett's toilet. The flusher was complicated and as it turned out I was the only one in the house who was unable to get it to work...and I'm no toilet dummy. (I know how to take the tank topper off and work on the insides to make a toilet flush). But this one completely baffled me. No matter how many times Luke told me to tickle the handle I just couldn't get it. Anyway, soon the story went something like this: I would "go" and then yell "Oh, Flush Boy!" and Ross would come and flush.

Poor Ross.

This is a photo of a "privy" that I took at a museum. There was little plastic poop inside. Gross!

Airport Tax

Ross and I made it all the way to Camborne, Cornwall, England Saturday. We flew from Minneapolis to Reykjavik to London and then drove in a rental car out to Cornwall.

We are staying with our friend Brett and his salty dad, Luke.

...and of course I'm having technical difficulties. I bought an iPad so I wouldn't have to travel with my laptop but I'm having trouble uploading albums of photos to Facebook and uploading photos from my iPad to Blogger. If anybody wants to share with me how to do either of those I'm all ears.

Anyway, we're having lots of fun. Today we toured the entire County of Cornwall, and tomorrow we drive to visit another friend up near Leeds.  

Traditional airport goodbye photo

Below, you can see we visited Stonehenge but saw it from the cheap seats because we refused to pay to get in. Just one of many money saving tips. Another is: never wash your underwear. Just kidding.

4

Behind Every Good Man...

...are some really adorable parents. This post is dedicated to my uncle and aunt, Aaron and Paula, who said goodbye to their baby boy last night as he joins me in a fabulous trip around the world. Here they are saying goodbye to us when we visited Scandinavia in 2009:

Brave, Brave Faces

I'm not so sure he's REALLY their son...but...

Hello WOOOOORLD!!!!!!!

Does This Forehead Make Me Look Visible?

Daddy-Daughter Time, Northern Minnesota

Another Year, Another Type of Cancer in the No-No-Special Place

2010 was the Year of Prostate Cancer in the Hexum family and it seems 2012 will be the Year of Uterine Cancer. My mom got her labs back from her lady doctor appointment and they say she has stage one Well Differentiated Endomedtrioid Adenocarcinoma. Which just basically means they need to get that wrinkled-old-heavily-used-baby-house the heck out of her body. Surgery is October 3rd and we're told she'll be good as new. No chemo necessary.

Anyway, in honor of Cancer and Moms Everywhere, I'd like to present to you the video I promised her I would never put on the "Internet". I feel the statute of limitations on that request has expired.  Enjoy.

Love you mom!

Hal-isms, Vol. 29

"Look at me and your mom. The perfect example of happiness."

"See how I can intensely figure things out by synopsis?"

"We're gonna have sun for a little bit and then a cloud if I don't crap my pants first."

"Kady! That isn't even English."

"I approach everything with an air of indifference."

Sunday Favorites: 12 Things I Learned While Traveling The World

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. Enjoy! This post (my most viewed post ever) originally appeared on January 2, 2012:


I spent much of 2010 & 2011 traveling the world, living out of a backpack.  Here are twelve things I learned:

1) I Never Met a Stranger
If you aren't able to speak the language of the country in which you're traveling, that's OK.  This deaf woman and I had a 45 minute conversation using only our hands.  Smile.  Learn a few phrases in every language.  'Hello', 'Goodbye', 'Thank You' and 'Excuse Me' go a long way.

Vietnam.

2) Soap is Soap.

You can wash your hair, your face, your body and your clothes with shampoo.  I recommend Pantene because it works great for all purposes, and you can get it everywhere in the world.

3) You Don't Need Much.

The less stuff you have, the less stuff you have to carry.

4) People are People.

All over the world people are pretty much the same.  Mostly, they're nice.

Indonesia.

5) Face Fears.

They're not that scary when you're staring them in the face.  I'm claustrophobic and deathly afraid of sharks.  But pass up on a chance to dive the Great Barrier Reef?  Not this gal.

Australia.

6) Slow Down.

Going slowly reduces stress, and costs a lot less.  The best lesson I learned is how to relax, breathe, quit scheduling and enjoy life at a much slower pace.  You'll see and experience so much more.

7) Pack a Towel.

There are always going to be spontaneous trips to a waterfall, the ocean or a pool.  A towel also makes a great blanket and/or pillow on a long bus ride.

Nicaragua.

8) Try Something New.

Roasted grasshoppers taste just like roasted nuts.  Easy.  And no, I don't like tripe.  But I tried it, which made my adorable Italian-Brazilian hosts very happy.

9) Waiting Isn't So Bad.

A large part of travel is spent waiting.  For the bus.  For the plane.  For the museum to open.  Calm down and be prepared.  I listened to a lot of free podcasts of This American Life on iTunes.  Always have a book handy just in case.  You might be surprised to find you actually look forward to times when you're able to just.  Wait.

10) Everything's Negotiable.

Another helpful phrase to learn in the language of the country you're visiting is 'I don't have a lot money'.  I brought this home with me, and now I'll frequently ask for discounts while shopping or dining out.  The majority of the time I succeed.

11) Accept Hospitality Graciously.

There are so many opportunities while traveling to be gracious and allow people to show their hospitality.  I had to learn this one, because it doesn't come naturally.  Smile, say 'thank you' and vow to pay it forward to the next visitors who come your way.  

12) Home is a Precious, Wonderful Thing.

'Nuff Said.

*I love this woman's list of seven things you learn about yourself while traveling solo.

This. Is. The. Life.

I couldn't be happier than to spend my last 10 days in the good ol' USA in Roosevelt, MN at my parents' place. Truly. I couldn't be happier.

I love the food. I love the activities (light to lazy). I love taking 45 minute walks with my dad down gravel roads. We laughed because a few cars drove by us and we had to go single-file and I was in back, so I pretended my hand was a pistol and I was walking my dad down the gravel road at gunpoint. Even though nobody probably saw or got the joke but me.

I love fishing. I don't love catching fish. But I love fishing.

My mom had surgery and what better way to help her in her recovery than to get the heck out of her house and let her rest and do a little father-daughter fishing?

That's right. Don't take the bait.

We had no net, so we had to flop them in the boat. And I don't like touching fish. I don't like it one bit.

Oh no. Crap

Yes! A MONSTER! (And yes. Those are stripy socks inside rubber Crocs. It was cold. Sue me.)

Look at that sucker! It must be 30..31...17 inches!

God's Country.

Self portraiture. And a tiny little shout-out to my former employer, Arnesen's Rocky Point. I won the hat. COMPLETELY ineffectual at shielding my upper lip from the sun and resulting freckle-stache.

Oh, and the garden. THE GARDEN. My mom has been canning every day since her surgery. Here we have the spoils from the bean stalk...my dad claims he picked the whole bucketful and my mom only that handful. Ha!

Do I really have to leave? Why don't I just work for six months, save my money and then live with my parents for six years? What is WRONG WITH ME?

Hal and Dianne

So I left Minneapolis. Again. I spent one night with my sister Kim and my niece Hanna (where we laughed and laughed over Hanna's dream journal) and then I drove all the way up to my parents' place in Roosevelt MN.

When I drove up the long driveway, here is what I saw:

...and suddenly everything was right with the world. I forgot that I'm leaving the country in 9 days and haven't really made any plans. I forgot that I am completely homeless and most of my worldly belongings are in my car. I forgot that I just left my job and won't have any income for at least six months.

After just 24 hours here, I've already:

Had a few Vodka Tonics

Took the four-wheeler with my dad out to see a toilet in a pond

Watched the Northern Lights dance across the night sky

Checked a deer carcass padlocked to a tree for signs of bear interference

Sighted and identified at least fourteen different roadkill species

Eaten at Perkins AND Red Lobster, because we:

Brought my mom to Grand Forks for surgery

She had to visit the lady doctor to have a little something removed from my old apartment her uterus. Anyway after the fact, here is a text she sent to my sister:

"I'm fine. Unfortunately your little sister did not make it."

Hanna's Dreams

I cracked up so hard at this dream of Hanna's. I guess she has some pretty detailed dreams and so she started writing them down. Here are just one months' worth, and now I'm totally convinced this girl is Cray-Cray:


July 3, 2012 - I dreamt that Cher took a whole bunch of little boys (ages 10-13) to a construction project in a limo. She had to ride in the back of a cop car for allowing the boys to get so rowdy. At the project the boys stacked a bunch of scrap wood into a pile.

July 4, 2012 - I dreamt that it was a post-apocalyptic world where everyone was poor and everything was old and destroyed. People were assigned their jobs. I was a plumber but there were no usable pipes anywhere so I quit because we had nothing to do. I started off with a small group of kids (including Skete and Mouth from The Goonies) and we lived in a car but then we joined with some older girls and their little brother living in an old bus. We moved to an old house which was much cozier.We found fudge dipped marshmallows in the cupboard. Some people ate two so we forgot to save some for Skete and Manoah who were out scouting. I felt really bad about it.

July 6, 2012 - I dreamt that robbers used the inside pokey part of an old doorknob to stab my Grandpa Hal in the face and neck. My Grandma was complaining about it to us and my dad told her he worked on a place one time where the neighbors were like that. Any time someone made them mad they would stab and stab them and stuff salt in their eyes for revenge. He complained that there was always bloody bodies with salt filled eyes left all over the place. 

July 8, 2012 - I dreamt that a bunch of little boys were walking down a hallway dressed up like little pimps. They were wearing colorful suits and little top has and walking with fancy canes. They were strutting along strongly. Then a little dwarf boy ran after them because his little legs couldn't keep up. He was so short he had to hold his cane in the middle and hold it above his head because he was running. Then the girl I was walking with in the dream asked, "Why are all those little boys walking with canes?" "I guess they just have swagger," I replied. We continued down the hall and walked outside to find a group of old people laying on the ground wailing. An old man was struggling to crawl to his wife's side. We rushed to her and asked, "What happened?!" "A gang of little boys stole all our canes!" the old man cried. "Why? Why would they do such a thing?!", his wife wailed.

July 9, 2012 - I dreamt that a bunch of people were zombies like on that episode of Community where they spread their zombies through bites. All the zombies were in my living room. I liked them but I chose to live in the maple tree out front because I didn't want to be a zombie. All the zombies were only afraid of one thing, which was a mysterious zombie who lived in the woods. When the mysterious zombie showed up everybody freaked out. He was a weirdo in a bomber hat with ear flaps. Then Gus from the cartoon "Recess" showed up and saved everyone by asking scary zombie not to kill everyone because the guy was his uncle.

July 10, 2012 - I dreamt that I had crazy huge boobs. At first in the dream I was like "Great! I've got huge boobs!" But then I was like, "Wait, these things are TOO big!" Then I was unhappy.

July 11, 2012 - I dreamt that I was working at Subway and my mom came and picked me up. After we got home I realized I was supposed to close but left Subway empty. Then my boss Lisa stopped by Subway with a bunch of her friends and after looking around realized the whole building was empty. I was at home freaking out that I would be fired and my mom was like, "eh, whatever."

July 12, 2012 - I dreamt that I was wearing a diaper and then I pooped in it. It was a ton of poop, like gobs and gobs and it was all over the place. Then I was trying to change myself and I threw the diaper in the garbage but the bag came off the can and fell down inside and poop got all over the can. Then I was trying to wipe myself and it got all over my hands. Finally I was so full of poop I just gave up and decided I needed a shower. Instead of using the shower in the bathroom I was in I went to a public sauna at a beach. There were a million people there and I was embarrassed to undress because I was so smeared with poop.

July 13, 2012 - I dreamt I was in a children's prison that was like a Nazi concentration camp. All the little girls had their heads shaved and were wearing brown. Everyone only got a couple crackers and a tiny bit of Coca Cola a day. The prison wasn't meant to kill all the children. It was just severely mismanaged. There was lots of dead babies. We had to go to an in-prison school. The teacher was a very fat lady. I complained everyone was starving to death. She rolled her eyes and huffed that we were getting all the food we required so quit complaining. Then I showed her how much we got to eat each day and said, "If it's plenty why don't you try only eating that much a day, Fatso?" Then she got mad.

July 14, 2012 - I dreamt there was a restaurant where anytime a woman worked there alone at night she would get raped but nobody cared or took precautions because it was so "everyday" to them because there were so many rapists running around. In the dream a woman was working alone, and a guy came in and raped her. As he was leaving she cried after him, "Would you like cookies with that?"

July 15, 2012 - I dreamt I was hanging out with Shaq and was flirting with him. He was a big baby in the dream and whined a lot. He got hit in the nose and he started whining, "My nose is broken!" even though there was nothing wrong with it. So I made fun of him and was like, "Oh God! You're right. It's so hideous and messed up looking and crooked!" And then he was like, "Nuh-uh! There's nothing wrong with it!" And then everyone laughed.

July 17, 2012 - I dreamt Mikayla had a new Barbie doll with a butt made of rubber instead of plastic "for a more authentic feel."

July 20, 2012 - I dreamt that an Asian girl was living with us, like a foreign exchange student or something. She was nice and sweet and quiet and we all liked her. Then one day Murphy was shot a bunch of times with a nail gun and she admitted it and then she went crazy and screamed, "I hate you all!"

July 25, 2012 - I dreamt that there was a window leading onto a roof at a school. Sometimes when you went through it it would take you to a very Oz-like world. Then I dreamt that there was a little machine that dropped 6-inch diameter colorful bubbles. You could drop one in one place and one in another place then you could jump into the bubbles and come out the other one.

July 26, 2012 - I dreamt that it was a post-apocolyptic world. In the dream there were a bunch of hill-mountains, and there were two groups of people. One group lived in houses at the bottom of the mountains, and the other lived in burrows in the middle of the mountains. Wild baboons lived on the peaks. I was the middle group, and we were fighting against both the house people and the baboons. It was really dangerous fighting against both groups so that's why we lived in burrows. We would go on raids against the house people and then come running back to hide in our holes. I was hiding out with Joe and another guy after a raid and they left for another one. I stayed behind to sleep. The other guy came back without Joe because Joe was killed by baboons. In the dream I was like, "That's weird, he was one of my best friends and I don't even feel sad that he died. I wonder why?" Then I woke up and realized it was because I was dreaming.

July 28, 2012 - I dreamt that my family bought me a cake for my graduation party, but ate half of it for lunch. I was sad and upset that they would ruin the cake because I couldn't serve half a cake at my party, but they said it wouldn't matter. They laughed and said no one would be surprised by the cruddy half-cake since only a couple people would show up and they would expect everything to stink anyway.

July 29, 2012 - I dreamt I was helping Joe pick out deodorant by smelling his armpit after he tried them on.

July 30, 2012 - I dreamt I was trying to steal a drug from a research company. I had to make a key to get it. Then I had to sneak a way into the most secret part of the building where they kept it. I had to go really fast because alarms were going off. When I got to the place where they kept they secret drugs I also found a room full of people they were testing their drugs on illegally. They were being kept prisoner. As I was leaving guards showed up. I beat most of them up really easily as I was leaving but when I was almost outside they locked a door and trapped me. After a short fight they arrested me and took me outside to their police car. Since I was outside again I beat them up and escaped. I got in a van and was driving away through traffic but they were chasing and attacking me. Then a bunch of my criminal friends showed up and drove so I could jump from roof to roof on their cars and escape.

August 1, 2012 - I dreamt that they made little plastic children's snowblowers that really worked. I was trying one out and saying, "Wow! They actually work, and are easy to use! Kids will love these things!" But then I ran over some toys left in the driveway and it shredded them to bits, and I kinda wondered to myself what would happen if you gave such dangerous things to children and wondered if they were really such a good idea.

Nuttier'n a Peanut Factory

It's Like They Don't Even Have any Rules For Themselves...

You ever been to this place? Just an old Minneapolis staple. A place to go dancing, see bands...made famous by the one and only Prince in a little-known movie called Purple Rain. And if the venue is little-known, this fact is well-known: the women's bathroom is a scary, germy place.

I went there last Saturday night to see a friend DJ, and I saw two women in the bathroom breaking two of my First Avenue rules:

Broken Rule # 1: Don't drink so much that you have to put your face in one of their toilets.

Broken Rule # 2: Never, EVER, put anything on the floor or touch any of your body parts to any of the parts of the bathroom stall. And you certainly don't EMPTY YOUR PURSE ONTO THE FLOOR NEXT TO A URINE PUDDLE EVEN IF YOU REALLY REALLY NEED TO FIND A TAMPON.