An Interview With My Sister Kim: Peein' in the Woods Ain't Easy

Kim, tell me, have you ever had to pee in the woods?

Many years ago, I went hunting for deer with my husband, his father and his brother. At one point, I needed to use the bathroom really bad, and planned to take the 3-wheeler from the woods back to the farm and use the outhouse. I was voted down by the guys who insisted they needed me to help with the next deer drive, and they didn’t want to wait for me. I was told to just go in the woods.

How did you feel about that? I mean, what's so hard about peeing in the woods?

I hate going in the woods, because there’s always the danger that the pee will run down my legs and into my pants and boots instead of running nicely in a stream directly to the ground.

Oh, I see. That would be terrible. Well, what did you do?

I finally gave in to the pressure and decided that if I found a good log to sit on, it would keep my stream separate from my pants and boots, and I could make it work. My father-in-law stayed behind, and my brother-in-law took off down the trail to eat his lunch at his 3-wheeler. I waited until he disappeared around the corner of the trail and then headed off into the woods to find a log. I made my husband accompany me.  

Ah yes, the "fallen log" approach. I too have opted for this method. It really can save one from having to squat and thus risk spraying urine all over their pants and boots. How would you describe this method, perhaps to City-Folk who have never heard of it before?

For those who aren’t familiar with the art of log-peeing: It’s important to find a log that’s big enough around to accomplish two purposes. It must keep you high enough above the ground. It must also completely meet the ground so the stream cannot enter your boots on the underside of the log. If you do find a log that meets these specifications, it then becomes very difficult to balance your body, so that there is enough of you on the back side of the log ensuring the pee stream stays on one side while your clothing is clean and dry on the other side. There’s another challenge if one has short legs. I have short legs. When you push several layers of long johns, jeans and wool pants (not to mention a few pairs of long socks) down as far as possible until they meet boots, those layers don’t get very far before they meet resistance. This means that in the winter, if you want to keep your clothes pee-less, far more of your body must be on the back side of the log than would be necessary if the weather were warmer and you were wearing fewer pieces of clothing. This is why I needed my husband.

Oh, I see. I was confused about the necessity of his presence. You know, I made the mistake once of sitting on a fallen log that was hovering a few feet above the ground. Can you comment on why that wouldn't be such a good idea?

What? Are you stupid? You weren't concerned the log would break and fall, taking you with it?

Maybe just continue with your story.

Anyway, I headed off into the woods to find a good log. I walked a ways to make sure I was out of sight. I saw and rejected several logs. Finally, I found a log that passed inspection, and wiggled my several layers down as far as they would go. I sat on the log. I squirmed my way back as far as I could and grasped my husband’s hand so I wouldn’t fall over backwards. At last I relaxed and began to relieve myself, at which point I looked up. To see my brother-in-law, sitting on his 3-wheeler, eating his sandwich, watching.