Just When you Thought China Had it Together

I'm so confused, because thusfar China has been so forward-thinking it its treatment of women! This is just WAY out in left-field.



 

 

"Women drivers when driving alone are not able to find the way to their destination, even if they’ve been there many times.”

 

Hal-isms, Vol. 45

"As I fall through the air I become a rubber ball. I just bounce."

"Be happy for people like that because they make you tough."

"You know me, resilient."

"People need meaning in life. I can't help ya, I don't know what to say."

Rowdy, being Rowdy

Dad

Sometimes my dad calls me and counsels criticizes me, or whatever. It's not on purpose. Mostly he just disagrees with every decision I've ever made. (Can you blame him?) He just likes to continue to mold me, even now that I'm all growed up. I don't mind it at all, I tell you what, I'm just happy he calls. 

Anyway, the other day I told him, "It's OK dad. I already know you love me because you called. You don't have to say anything nice."

Oh how we laughed.

"You have to come now, or be one of them dummies. One of them city people. Look at your cement blocks. Look at your empty cans of beer. The money. And go clubbing. And don't worry about the Lady's Slippers. Why worry about it? Right?"

Shash-age Links

Photos! Marathons! My favorite things. 30 Amazing Ways People Crossed the Finish Line at the Twin Cities Marathon.

My whole life my dad was worried about getting laid off from Boise paper mill. Well three years after his retirement, they finally did a major and devastating job cut. Photos of my hometown and the devastating job loss here.

My friend Matt Rasmussen from high school is a finalist for the 2013 National Book Award for poetry for his book Black Aperture. Crazy!

The Minneapolis dating scene. What a junk article. My best friend Summer's brilliant counterpoint article here. Haha, huh?

Guh. I love it when gigantic movies choose a lead role from the general populace. Of immigrants. In MINNEAPOLIS.

Speaking of Minneapolis...a list of reasons why it's awesome here. (For me it's #1 on every list, of course.)

Hal-isms, Vol. 44

"A designer. One who designs. I'm a dictionary."

"What's goin' on on Facebook?"

"Damn college kids. I hate yous all."

"Kady I raised you to be tough; you're not going to let a little thing like this get you down."

"Your mom and I - we wake up and have a couple onions and then I mow the lawn and take a nap and she watches TV."

Matt Rasmussen

There was this kid in my high school art class named Matt Rasmussen. We joked around a lot and I'll never forget a painting he made of a chunk of swiss cheese floating on the ocean. He called it "Turds". He was always saying "turds". 

I have a distinct memory from that class one day and I mean it's really vivid. In it, he and I are standing at his desk near the teacher's desk and he's wearing a new orange-ish plaid flannel shirt. He's using the paper cutter. The bottom part of the front of his shirt was laying across the paper cutter and before I before I could say "turds" he sliced right through his art project and also through his brand new shirt. Oh, how we laughed.

In my mind this story happened as if it were yesterday. I tell everybody about the kid who cut his shirt in art class with the paper cutter.

Twenty years later, I recalled the story to Matt. He didn't remember it at all. "Must have been somebody else," he said. Bull Crap, "Matt Rasmussen", if that story didn't happen is any of my childhood real??

Well the point of this whole trip down my made-up fictitious memory lane is that good ol' forgettin' lyin' Matt wrote a book of poetry called Black Aperture and it's getting all kinds of accolades. In fact it was just announced as a finalist for the 2013 National Book Award for poetry! I went to a reading down at the Loft and got him to sign my copy and tried to force him to admit he was lying about the paper cutter.

He wouldn't budge.

At least we agree on one part of the story:

Congrats, Matt.

Oh, and you can buy Matt's book here. It's really, really good.

Summer-isms, Vol. 61

"If you have a wedding when you marry that handsome rich guy don't you dare do it before 7pm."

"My typos are amazing."

"And I hope they don't serve me, like, a plate of corn cakes and polenta." (she's allergic to corn.)

"ps. I've never made chicken noodle soup."

"I don't pretend to know what other people want."

The Archives

The five of you may have noticed that I'm not posting as often as I used to.

There's a very good reason for that. I ran out of money and got a job. A real one. And all my brain seems to be capable of handling in the evening hours is back-to-back episodes of television. So, you know, sorry about that. It's really hard to come up with something interesting to say day after day when the only interesting thing that happened that day was that I forgot my lunch and had to go down to the cafeteria and spend $8.00 on a very boring salad and then I ate it at my desk.

Just remember, I have posted 1,656 times on this very website and you can click around and read old archived posts. There's a menu of topics on the right hand side of the page:

Might I suggest:

Some of my very favorite stories are housed under life up North.

Hal - Read about my ridiculously funny dad, including the hysterical run-in with prostate cancer a few years back. Or read all the crazy stuff he says at Hal-isms.

Hilarious - Just my opinion...

Embarrassed - (This happens a lot).

Kady Stupid - Well, I mean. I am.

And of course there is fart, poop, pee, and tampons but -- you know. Proceed at your own risk.

OR: You could go all the way back to the very beginning and read every single one!

Life will get interesting again soon, I hope.

Happy 47th, Mom and Dad!

She:

Always knew when we were stealing Vitamin C and had a knack for making even the most mundane activities fun. (In hindsight I think it was because the Vitamin C jar always made a very loud noise.)

He:

Once made my sister Kim a snow fort that included reinforced wooden ceiling beams and never once farted without first getting everybody's undivided attention.

Love you guys and Happy 47th!!!

Too Lazy Travel Photo Saturday

Spain

Contradiction Jones (Hal Hexum)

"You kids sure stifled my free spirit. I coulda been out there, swinging limb to limb beating my chest. I tell you I woulda been the President of the United States if I wouldn'ta gotten married."

HUH?

Wait...free spirit? swinging limb to limb? 

Or President of the United States?

I'm confused. Those are just two very different things.

Shash-age Links

Well he lost his real nose in an accident so China glued a fake nose to his forehead and let it grow for a while. At first I thought China was trying to convince me that this extra nose just spontaneously grew on his forehead after a terrible car accident and that's why you always have to READ the article accompanying the horrifying photo.

Did you know Nirvana's In Utero album was recorded in Minnesota? Here's the letter Steve Albini wrote to convince them. I sort of know a guy who bought all the recording equipment from Pachyderm Studios and has a studio of his own but that's pretty neat-o huh? Oh and here's Steve Albini being interviewed by Lil' Bub. Yes, the cat.

I love this tumblr blog with quotes inspired by Wes Anderson movies set against bible pictures. (Thanks Shash!) How about the same concept, except with Arrested Development quotes?

I've only read two of David Bowie's Top 100 Books List. (A People's History of the United States and In Cold Blood.) Now who was just the other day telling me about The Sailor Who Fell From Grace With the Sea? I guess I'll read that next. And then I'm basically 3% David Bowie.

Not one, but two friends sent me this hilarious meme of Scarlet Johansson falling down. That's how you know it's funny. (Thanks Shash and Ma). And you know what? lotsa people hated the whole album, but I actually really did like her version of Tom Wait's 'Falling Down'.

_____

Sweet video of a dude complaining about being ticketed for not riding in the bike lane in New York City. Problem is...it's not that safe to ride in the bike lane in New York City.

Sunday Favorites: That Time I Nearly Pooped My Pants at a Sculpture Garden in New Orleans

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. This story originally appeared on October 18, 2011.

Some photos from our visit to the City Park Sculpture Garden in New Orleans, Louisiana:

Spanish moss grows on all these amazing old trees.

I already lost these sunglasses :(

I was innocently enjoying the beautiful scenery when suddenly, somebody started urgently knocking at my back door.  Thank GAWD for the stone bench and it's poop-stopping characteristics.  If not for that bench I might have had to go and sit on one of those tree roots:

Fortunately they had a few disgusting port-a-potties, by the name of "Pot-O-Gold".  Indeed.  Crisis averted.  

The End.

Too Lazy Travel Photo Saturday

Wisconsin

Cabin Stuff!

My hilarious and creative friends (you may recognize Shash) made this video on a recent vacation to a cabin "up North" in Minnesota. Enjoy the silliness and the accents. 

Ha!


Cabin! from Hiromi Matsumoto on Vimeo.

Summer-isms, Vol. 60 (Surely I Have Enough For a Book By Now)

"All I know is I'm so glad I did not get famous until I was older."

"I'm gonna call Justin about this mallet situation."

"It never occurred to me that my life would be nice."

"Is that like a puppy Bjorn?"

"But can't a Kenyan run 25 miles an hour?"

MBNVIP

You guys, I certainly don't want to toot any horns, but at my new job I'm an MBNVIP. It's a made-up-by-me-acronym and it means "marginally-but-not-very-important person" and that just means that I have the kind of cube where people come to ask me questions and that is just a made-up-by-me-explanation that basically makes it impossible for me to go on Facebook at work.

Are you following me so far?  MBNVIP.

Anyway, the other day after I sitting with a trainee in my cube for most of the morning, probably explaining something very complicated (or probably not that complicated) I happened to look over at my phone and saw this:

That's my purse and that's a bottle of generic Advil (if I haven't mentioned it I was in a terrible car crash) and most importantly that other thing is a renegade TAMPON which had decided to roll out to the place where people could see it. Of course I didn't see it until about 1pm.

I just really like to keep my period a secret, OK?

Mean, Mean Older Sister

Back when I was living in Michigan, and surprised my sister Kelly, we hung out one night and she took the above photo of me in my gross carpeted extended stay apartment. 

And then she posted it on Facebook with the caption, "Private message me if you're interested."

You would think I would definitely have gotten a boyfriend out of the deal. I mean, look at my sexy stance. Look at my leggings as pants. Nope. 

"I don't know. She's got a lot of mileage on her." - my brother-in-law.

"Isn't that what they call "vintage?"" - my brother.

"Maybe we could work out a trade. I have a bottle of ketchup." - my brother-in-law. (Inside joke.)

"How much for the door knob?" - old friend of my brother's.

"...Are you calling my sister a door knob?" - my brother.