Pragmatism Isn't Compatible with Vegetarianism, I've Found.

I met a vegan late last year and he got me thinking about how gross eating meat is. So I decided, (knowing full well that I would fail within the first day because I have tried this before) to become a vegetarian. I had to wait until January 1^st though because it seemed totally normal to make it a resolution and also because I spent the last twelve days of December at my parents’ place and that house is pretty much the “house of meat”. There are dead animals hanging everywhere and also the freezer is just full.

Here is the story of my first two days as a vegetarian:

I woke up on January 1^st at my parents' and my mom made breakfast and I ate it. And then I remembered I was a vegetarian. Crap! (Venison.)

And then it was time to go home, but my car wouldn't start, because it was -25 degrees for four days straight. So I called the neighbor and he brought a flame-throwing heater machine and we pointed it at my engine, threw a tarp over the car to create a heat tent, and 45 minutes later my car finally started. But I was FREEZING from being outside for 45 minutes in the -25 below weather and I came inside and my mom had made soup! And I ate it! Oh man! (Ham.)

Then I started driving home and about four hours into my drive I bought some dill pickle chips and that didn’t satiate my hunger so I went to Wendy’s. Dang! (Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger.)

I decided to try again on January 2^nd.

I had a banana and a granola bar for breakfast. No meat. Win!

I had a mac and cheese and asparagus thingee for lunch. No meat. Win!

I went to Trader Joe’s after work and shopped like a vegetarian. I made my way around the entire store without buying any meat products whatsoever. And then I remembered that I probably should get some cucumbers for making salads and so I went to the vegetable section. I couldn't find any. So I put my hand on my forehead, exasperated. I was trying to think of a new plan. A Trader Joe’s employee came up to me and said,

“You look confused.”

“I can’t find the cucumbers.”

“We’re out. But maybe I can replace them.”

“Huh?”

“Congratulations! You’ve just won a free $40 turkey!”

I give up.

Sorry, Bud.