They LOVE Me

Hexum Traditions

There aren't a lot of Hexum family traditions. (Maybe we were too poor to come up with anything good?) But we did have habits. Lots and lots of habits. And those habits feel like Tradition to me.

For example, my dad worked shift work at the Boise Cascade paper mill. 14 days of 28 he worked a 12-hour shift. So 14 days out of 28 he needed a lunch. It was Kasey's and my responsibility to make sure he had a good one. He liked a container of leftovers and a sandwich and so that's pretty much what he got. We made him beautiful sandwiches too, with meat and cheese and lettuce and mayo and mustard. But, man, when you finish making somebody a gorgeous sandwich? It's too impossible not to...

And so for the seven years that it was our job to make that lunch, 14 days of 28, my dad would open his lunch box to find:

Dumb-Dumb Bike Rider

I know you all love a great Kady-trying-to-bike-to-work story:

Today I rode my bike in to work for the first time this year. It was pretty much the first really nice day and that is how fair-weather (haha, the use of fair-weather is actually literal in this context) my biking to work has to be. Sue me.

I didn’t get lost and that was a plus. BUT: I did leave the zipper bag open on my pack and somewhere along the way I lost the following items:

• My car key (one of those $500 ones, of course, and not the scratched up dented one I've been using all year, but the nice new perfect one)
• My house keys with a gorgeous JW Hulme leather fob my good friend Heather made
• CoverGirl Mascara (irreplaceable!)
• Key card access for work (what a hassle they made outta gettin' that thing replaced. Jeez!)
• Make-up powder brush
• I don’t know what else, that’s just what I think I’m missing

THEN, I took a shower in the 2nd floor locker room at my building and was all the way done when I realized I had no TOWEL. I had to walk bare naked from the locker room out into the connected 2nd floor Women's bathroom and pray nobody came in while I waved my hand in front of an automatic paper towel dispenser frantically trying to get enough paper to dry my entire body and my HAIR, while it dispensed only just a small chunk at at time, ten thousand times.

Oh, Ryan Gosling

Ryan Gosling was spotted wearing this shirt with a picture of a young Macaulay Culkin on it:

And then, to be hilarious (and it was), Macaulay Culkin tweeted this photo of himself:

And then the photoshoppers went nuts:

Crazy photoshoppers!

It's like Inception, only cuter.

Twitter Fail

Sometimes I post my hilarious, yet under-favorited and under-retweeted tweets here on my blog in hopes that somebody will appreciate them. 

Sunday Favorites: My Husband Ryan Gosling Cannot Take a Joke

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. This story originally appeared on March 9, 2012.


So Ryan Gosling and I were talking last night (he hates it when I write about him and he would die if he knew I posted these photos, so don't tell him!) Anyway, I was saying that I think we should name our babies in alliteration, like in my family, you know: Kim, Keri, Kelly, Kady and Kasey. My sister Kasey did it with Miles, Murphy and Miyo. So why shouldn't we?

He's so cute when he's all tired and cozy.

Anyway Ryan Gosling was like, "Kady. I thought we talked about this. You said you don't even want kids. Why do you always have to name the babies we're never going to have, and then tell me all the stuff you're never going to let them do, and then talk about how they're going to be forced to do tap lessons? And YES. By the way. It IS wrong to purposely break a child's leg just because you think they look cute in a cast. And if we DID have kids, NO we are NOT going to put them in the DRESSER DRAWER instead of a crib. I don't CARE what they're doing in Africa. Are you telling me you want kids? It's like, either you want them or you don't. I'm so confused." and blah blah blah. 

So I had to tell him. Check out his reaction. Ryan Gosling freaked out! "You're PREGNANT! OMG! I can't believe it! I'm so happy!" And then he kept saying stuff like, "I knew it! Your boobs have been so HUGE lately. And you eat SO much.  You eat like you haven't eaten in weeks. Wow. Kady, seriously, I have secretly wanted to have tons and tons of kids with you but I pretended not to care because you seemed so dead set against it." and blah blah blah.

And then I was like (and this broke my heart just a little bit), "Just kidding!" And then Ryan Gosling kind of got sad. He totally started crying, but I won't post that photo. That would be mean. Gosh, now that I'm telling the story I totally feel really bad for the poor guy.

And then he was all, "That is not funny."

Shash-age Links

Haha. 'Be willing to open yourself up to new experiences, like going on a series of terrible dates with men you despise." I'll never tire of the Onion.

So, so true. I feel ya, middle-aged cat.

Little babies with eyebrows drawn on them.

I am constantly yawning. Here's my theory about why: my brain works really hard on accounta my bein' so smart, and then it gets overheated. Don't believe me?.

This is probably the cutest thing I've ever seen.




My favorite song, as impersonated by one man doing all of the muppet voices.

Bobby Pins

Warning: Gross.

In my family, the bobby pin is a multi-purpose tool. In addition to such innocent uses as holding back hair, clipping mail to the mailbox and making the house messy, we are known to use them for such nefarious purposes as cleaning out earwax and popping blackheads. So when I was at my sister's house this weekend and I found one laying on the table, you would think that rather than getting excited and secretly stealing it and then immediately pulling a few bangs out of my face and pinning them back that I would have paused, inspected and approved the thing before I stuck it in my hair. Nope.

It wasn't until I got home, took it out, laid it on the back of my toilet, slept through the night and then got up the next morning that I saw this:

You tell me.

Happy as a Lark

I probably shouldn't talk so much about disrespecting old people because my dad will no doubt disown me, but a funny thing happened the other day at Trader Joe's:

I was pushing a cart around when I saw a little old man riding one of those store-provided electrical motor scooters. It was obviously the kind of thing where he could walk, but he just chose to ride the scooter and wouldn't you do the same thing if you were him? (I can't wait for the day when I'm gray enough to get away with it.)

So of course I felt like by making that choice he was publicly stating: "I'm up for a bit of teasing." Plus: Old people LOVE me.

I pulled up next to him and matched his slow scooter-y pace with my cart. "WANNA RACE?" I hollered over at him. He appeared not to hear me, even though I yelled it pretty loud and he was not two feet away. He kept on scooting and so I said, "OH..HAHA! I MADE A JOKE! MAYBE YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME?"

"I heard you." He said, quietly, not looking at me and never stopping his scoot.

But I kept following him. "OH! HAHA!" And I patted his shoulder. "BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T LAUGH, SO I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME!" And then he didn't say anything more and joined his wife in the produce section and they got away.

And then he threw the tomato at me.

Hal-isms, Vol. 51

"If your mother gets much older, you're going to have to move in with us to protect me."

"Everything you do I did it 30 years earlier."

"Your mother? She could sing tambourine for hours."

"I love you, and I love talking to you. But talk to your mom. My back hurts."

To my mom: "I'm on the phone with the Kady...our beloved daughter...our favorite daughter."

Elevators

In my office tower, I have deduced that there must be some kind of old people eye doctor on the third floor. This makes for lots of awkward elevator conversations. (Remember when I worked in the same building as that hair restoration company?)

So how do I know about this old people eye clinic on third floor? My main clue is the droves of old people getting on the elevator and taking their sweet sweet time to locate and then push the number 3. The second clue is that when they go back down the elevator they always have an eye patch on. Anyway, remember I'm always late, so I can't tolerate this inability to locate the number 3 in a series of numbers from L-14. This drives me to near insanity. I've taken to just pushing it for them in most cases and then they look at me like, "are you some kind of a magician?" "how'd you know?" and then I'm like, "I'M IN MENSA." 

Yesterday a little old lady was on the elevator already when I ran for the door and barely made it on. She was staring at the numbers and so I pushed 10 for me and 3 for her. She looked at me SO CONFUSED and she said, "I couldn't see the numbers" (um...how the HECK did she DRIVE to my building then???) and so I said,

"Maybe you should tell that to the eye doctor."