Wonder If He's Single...

Phil Spector, Bad Man

It seems Phil Spector hasn't spoken in prison in the last nine months. Painful polyps in his throat or something. Never mind that, he's looking FANTASTIC. Do you think he would date me?

Sunday Favorites: Bikini Kill

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. Enjoy! This story originally appeared when I was in the Maldives on December 3, 2012 

Women in the Maldives are prohibited by law from swimming in a bathing suit on most inhabited islands. The only exception is on the resort islands, or islands owned by the resorts where foreigners are allowed to wear pretty much whatever they want. Most of those kind of resorts do not allow Maldivians to visit, so that foreigners are not "bothered" by their culture, and, I presume locals are not influenced or at the very least offended by the Western culture. This "covering up on the beach" thing was a little new for Summer and me and I ended up having to buy a suitable swimming shirt for our visit to the island of Gaafaru. My running anti-upper-thigh-chaff shorts would have to do for bottoms.

We were excited when we booked our "luxury" resort on the island of Maafushi because we were given the impression we could "wear bikinis" and even "drink alcohol". Nope. All of the beer in the fridge was NA, and we saw the following sign above the entrance to the restaurant of our hotel:

This is a drawing of the most modest bikini I've ever seen.

 

 

It's not THAT big of a deal, but the thing is...even in our "modest" swimming attire, I felt extremely exposed and extra-slutty. Especially when I saw the local women swimming on our beach with their children in head-to-toe cover. Some foreigners were defying the rules and we even saw two women wearing thong bikinis (!), but Summer and I only felt comfortable about the bikini thing when we were out on our scuba excursions in the boat, far away from the island. (Our scuba instructor assured us it would be OK.)

Our best effort at modest swimming attire.

What you're supposed to wear.

"Modesty" makes for some interesting tan lines. I'm sure those ladies were like, "that's what you get."

But, come on! Why wouldn't the people of this country want to see me in a bikini?

 

Cold Weather Testing

Last winter I stayed for a couple of weeks up at my parents' place. It was cold. But it was wonderful. By cold I mean colder than you can even imagine. -29 degrees before windchill.

The kind of weather where you can film your brother throwing boiling water into the air and it disappears into steam before it hits the ground: 

Anyway, for the 2 weeks I was there, I stupidly forgot to go out and start my brand new three-month-old car from time-to-time just to keep it from freezing, and so it totally froze and wouldn't start when I tried to go home.

We had to make a tarp tent and blow the neighbor's flame throwing heater on my engine for 30 minutes and then finally it started. 

IRONICALLY, Acura does it's cold weather testing up in Baudette Minnesota, 30 minutes from my parents' house. They send all their brand new vehicles up there to test how they'll do in cold weather and on ice, etc.

I thought it would be funny to write them and tell them about my frozen car.

And then I never did.

Hypocrite

I don't have a microwave in my apartment.

1. There is no room for a microwave. My refrigerator is in the hallway for Gosh Sakes.
2. I don't want to spend the money on a microwave. I want to spend my money on plane tickets and bold-colored-printed-pants.
3. I am better than everyone and I wouldn't dream of unhealthily microwaving my food.
4. I like re-heating stuff up in a saucepan. It makes me feel like a pioneer woman taking care of my 5 kids over a campfire next to the wagon wheel.

However, almost every single day at work, I eat one of these:

Image stolen from http://www.missbargainhuntress.com

"Ready in 5 minutes"


Some day I'll tell you all about how I don't have a TV.

The Student Has Become the Master

Remember my failed attempt at growing an Avocado tree?

Hanna read about it and proceeded to show her Aunty up by having bigger boobs growing an Avocado tree and even putting into a pot that she made.

She gave it to me as a gift and I love it.

Apparently she just straight up planted it in dirt and watered the heck out of it -- she didn't bother with the toothpicks and the hovering over water.

Twice as tall as a wine bottle!

The Ring

It's that time of year again, you know where I get really in to my Fitness in some last ditch effort to look good in a swimming suit because it's too late in the season to even be wearing one. 

So I joined a Pilates studio near to my work and I've been going pretty religiously (as is my custom when jumping on bandwagons) and then at some point (as is my custom when jumping on bandwagons) I'll just quit and spend three months laying in bed watching and rewatching My So-Called Life and Keeping up Appearances.

Anyway, the point of this story is that on Thursdays I take a class called Barre which employs the ballet barre and also straps hung from the ceiling that can be used for all sorts of horrible strengthening exercises. Here's a couple pics of what it looks like:

Stolen from wellandgoodnyc.com

Stolen from fitnessnycblog.com

During the above exercise where you have to grip the handles of the straps, one of my rings was digging into my hand. Not wanting to disturb the class by walking over to my water bottle to put it down, I took it off and sort of lightly tossed it. It rolled across the room and stopped about three feet from where I intended and I made a note to grab it later. There were only six of us in class and we were all facing each other and so I assumed that everybody saw it and understood. 

After class, I could sort of hear some people talking about something (the music is SO LOUD it's really hard to hear anything) and here's what they were saying

"Well it was so big I just couldn't imagine who it belonged to."

"I saw it rolling by earlier too...so gigantic!"

"I walked past it...not sure if it's some man's?"

"But there's no man in here..."

And then I walked into this conversation totally late and totally ignorant going, "has anybody seen my ring?"

And then it was handed to me by a woman who said, "what FINGER do you wear that on?" 

Sunday Favorites: It's Been Done, "Chanel"

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. Enjoy! This story originally appeared on May 21, 2013: 

I was very underwhelmed when I saw the Spring 2013 Chanel Campaign in Vogue. Something about it didn't feel "fresh" or "new", and I couldn't help but feel that I had seen it somewhere before.

 

 

 

Then it hit me. The image is startlingly close to a Campaign that Summer and I did in Winter 2012 when we had to sleep on a table in a train station in Northern India:

 

 

 

Chanel is going to hear from my lawyer. (1-800-Ask-Gary.) What do you think, do I have a case?

Shash-age Links

I didn't even read this one, but there are SOUTH KOREAN BABIES IN CERAMIC POTS in the photo. Something about "under 5 mortality". BLAH BLAH BLAH Probably very interesting. The photo!

20 free David Sedaris essays.

Best Countries for solo travelers. I've been to all but the Netherlands and Switzerland. Colombia isn't on there, but I'm going anyway. Sola en diciembre.

Disgusting! This is why we should all go back to having pagers. Don't let your abusive ex get at your phone, y'all!

Probably not really all that real and maybe sensationalist, but why are you microwaving things anyway? Do you really not have an extra ten minutes and a sauce pot?

This is hard for me because I'm sure I would have also really been "in heaven being a mom" and that I would also never have "been happier" and "just in awe of this beautiful person" we created and that it also would have been a "special time" for me and that my life would have "completely changed" once I "became pregnant", but you know, congrats, Ryan and Eva. I give up. You win. I'll find somebody else to have a celebrity crush on. I'm looking at you, Damon Albarn or, guy from Homeland.

This one's for you Roxie...our favorite show and your favorite pearl white slimline telephone with last number redial:

Hal-isms, Vol. 54

"I'm a better person than I thought I were."

"I do that and I think it's funny but I don't like it when it happens to me."

"Was that a wolf hair that floated in on that alfalfa sprout?"

"I'm an easy-going milktoast. I don't demand of anyone anything."

"It was really kind of inspirational."

Kady

Kady.

That's how I spell my first name. It wasn't my idea obviously -- my mom came up with it. She and my dad wanted to name me K.D., but when they wrote it down they didn't like how it looked, thank goodness and then they added the A and the Y and that's how it all worked out. As far as I know, I was like the only Kady in the whole universe until Facebook was invented and now there's like a million. Dang facebook. 

ANYWAY, I don't freak out too much about correcting people when they go to spell my name with a T, unless it's important -- like medical stuff or for tax purposes or whatever. 

So the point of my story is that when you say the name Kady out loud, it sounds exactly the same as Katie, in America anyway (British or Irish people will emphasize the 'T' or Spanish speaking people say it differently tambien). Since it's my name, I can hear the difference, but it's SO SUBTLE. When I say my name, since I know how it is spelled, I can tell that it's just a teensy bit different then when I would say the name of a friend named Katie. And I can tell when the person saying my name knows how I spell it. It's my sixth sense.

Isn't this INTERESTING???

Get to the point.

OK so my point is that this morning I stopped into Caribou Coffee (the Midwest's answer to Starbucks) and ordered a dark roast. They always ask your name so they can write it on the side of the cup. I said "Kady" when prompted and the be-acned-teenager behind the counter said, "Is that with a 'D'?"

I swear in 37 years nobody has ever picked up on the subtle pronunciation difference or asked me if my name were spelled with a 'D'. Ever. I was like, "YAH. HOW? HOW DID YOU KNOW?" He said he could hear it in the way that I said it. 

Sunday Favorites: "You Can Stop it Now Beth, Nobody's Looking at You."

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. Enjoy! This story originally appeared on August 21, 2012:

In high school, my best friend Beth Lindahl used to make me die laughing by making faces at me and never cracking a smile until I peed my pants. One day in Health class, she must have been trying to get my attention but I must not have been looking at her because Miss Stadum yelled out to her (over the silent din of a class full of kids who were reading or something):

"YOU CAN STOP IT NOW BETH. NOBODY'S LOOKING AT YOU."

_____

I was reminded of that story this evening...

I went with some friends to go and see the Walker Art Center's last installation of Music and Movies in the Park. Barrio restaurant in downtown Minneapolis sets up their food truck at these events, and it was there that I had my Second and Third Dinners this evening.

As I approached for Third Dinner, I noticed that the food truck employee was wearing a "Nacho Libre"-type mask and was yelling "HOLA!" at the customers in a "BOO! (scared you)"-type fashion, and I was really not into it.

So I stood there looking at the menu, while this guy waited for me to notice him and his dumb mask. I wasn't impressed, but I could tell out of the corner of my eye that he really wanted me to notice him. I couldn't be bothered and so without taking my eyes off the menu I said, 

"I SEE YOUR DUMB MASK. OK?"

...and then I took this photo without his permission.

Shash-age Links

Haha. So. True. "Imagine lying on your back and watching fireworks by yourself. Or catching a firefly with no one to show it to. Wouldn't you much rather just cease to exist in one quick, brutal instant?"

8 reasons why cheese is better than a boyfriend, though either is better than living in a storm drain.  "But man, goat cheese!" 

What it's like going to my parents' place.

I really can't stand these Buzzfeed-esque sites with ridiculously boring and poorly written captions, but I'll admit these photos of a dad and his daughter are pretty imaginative. Best to go straight to his site, honestly. Here's another cute one.

Fascinating article about a guy who lived in the woods for twenty-seven years without ever talking to another single soul, or even lighting a fire in twenty-below-zero temperatures. He stole food and clothing to survive.

Congrats to my very good friends!

Made in China

Like most twenty-something NPR-listening Americans, a friend of mine had grown concerned about the sheer volume of products we consume here that are made in China. Maybe it was for their poor quality craftsmanship, or maybe she had read somewhere that there was a good chance they had been made by small children in a factory whose Manager bribed the government somehow into looking the other way. Anyway, she made an attempt in her family to avoid products made in China for one year, to see how difficult it would be.

She and her husband probably discussed this within earshot of their oldest son, but didn't pay much attention because he was so young and they assumed he wasn't listening.

One night they were enjoying a drink in the living room when they heard a blood-curdling scream coming from his room.

My friend went running and found her son in his top bunk but all the way in the corner, like he was trying to get away from something that was coming at him. She thought maybe a spider or some bug had crawled into his bed.

"What's wrong?" she asked him.

He only pointed. To the tag on his bedspread:

Hal-isms, Vol. 53

"You can't date a Latino man. Your Dad never did. And he got along just fine. Now don't you either."

"Kady...it was demonstrable."

"Should we shine deer? You ever shine a deer?"

"I truly love you. If I ever say anything it's just a suggestion to get done right away."

"What do I do? Be nice to people? Blow kisses?"

Sunday Favorites: "Hash?"

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. Enjoy! This story originally appeared  when I was in Nepal on February 15, 2013: 



Traveling through India as women hardened both Summer and me into almost unrecognizably mean versions of ourselves.

Summer even punched a man.

After leaving India, our new and more horrible selves traveled through Nepal. On two separate occasions, while innocently window shopping on the streets of Kathmandu, out of the blue I was sidled up to from behind by a gross dirty stinky man hissing in my ear, "You want some hash?" and both times, I jumped right out of my skin, as if they had hissed "BOO!" (It didn't help that he said it in Gollum's voice.)

"You want some hash?"

I decided if it ever happened again and if I had the frame of mind to do it, I was going to punch the next guy. Why in the heck would you scarily approach a woman from behind and hiss into her ear? I was going to take it upon myself to teach the lessons of decency to the gross dirty stinky men of the world. Ladies like Kady Hexum do not appreciate being approached in that way, nor would they be buying any HASH "from the likes of YOU, Thank-You-Very-Much."

Well, it happened a third time. And I was prepared for it. I steeled myself, spun around, and wound up to flatten him. What I saw in his hand stopped me instantly. And in that millisecond, my mind replayed what he really had said:

"Tiger Balm?"

You got lucky this time, Poor Tiger Balm Salesman; you got real lucky.

Rowdy

My mom's dog (my brother) Rowdy is pretty cute. I'm not really all that into dogs but I love him, the little turd.

Get this: he's a Havanese-Poodle mix, or HAVAPOO. haha

Anyway, my mom had to go get a root canal today. I'm working during my visit here so she had to drive herself to the appointment. Look at Rowdy as she walks to the garage:

And here he'll sit until he hears her car pull into the driveway, when he will go tearing across the room, wrinkling up every rug as he runs, runs to the door for me to open it. When I open it, he'll go bounding across the yard and run circles around her until she gets into the house, and then he'll chew on his plastic toy for about 20 minutes because of the stress of it all.

I wonder if anybody'll ever love me like that?

Watching a Movie With My Parents

Hal: "I don't like the beginnings of movies. Somebody's always getting killed."

MOVIE: MAN ENTERS DARK ROOM. WOMAN AT RISK.

Hal: "What's he got in his hands?"

MOVIE: MAN PUTS PLASTIC BAG OVER WOMAN'S FACE.

Mom: "Wouldn't you suck in and bite it and make a hole so you could breathe?"

Hal: "I wonder if she could have broken it open with her hands...but I guess you're not the one having it done to you."

Hal: *leaves room*

Hal: *turns TV on in bedroom*

Hal: *changes channel to True Grit, starring John Wayne*

Hal: "See how he rides? See how that other actor guy is flopping around? You can tell in real life John Wayne rode horses a lot. See? He rides steady."

<LATER>

Hal: *returns to main room*

MOVIE: AUTOPSY ROOM. IT IS DETERMINED WOMAN DIED OF ASPHYXIATION.

Hal: "Well, whaddjya expect?"

<LATER>

MOVIE: COP LADY APPROACHES BRIDGE.

Hal: "Look up. Look up! They're always up! The raccoon is always up!"

MOVIE: INNOCENT BUT ACCUSED MAN IS ABOUT TO JUMP FROM BRIDGE. 

Hal: "Take her with ya. She's the one that gotcha. Grab her hand and jump. HAHA DO IT IN ONE! Can you imagine what it would be like for 25 feet of water to go through ya? It'd come out your eyes. You're like a hydraulic pump. You'd be spitting out seeds."

I tried to get some of that popcorn. He about had a heart attack.

Big Week

OMG you guys! I had SOOOOOOOOOOOO much fun at Brad and Angie's wedding!!!

I danced all night long!

As Maid of Honor, naturally I was called upon to give a heartfelt serenade. 

Brad loved it so much! He put his arm around me and we three chatted about this-and-that. 

And then of course the honeymoon. So relaxing. The views were absolutely breathtaking.

We like to let loose -- 

#family
#real