Watching a Movie With My Parents

Hal: "I don't like the beginnings of movies. Somebody's always getting killed."

MOVIE: MAN ENTERS DARK ROOM. WOMAN AT RISK.

Hal: "What's he got in his hands?"

MOVIE: MAN PUTS PLASTIC BAG OVER WOMAN'S FACE.

Mom: "Wouldn't you suck in and bite it and make a hole so you could breathe?"

Hal: "I wonder if she could have broken it open with her hands...but I guess you're not the one having it done to you."

Hal: *leaves room*

Hal: *turns TV on in bedroom*

Hal: *changes channel to True Grit, starring John Wayne*

Hal: "See how he rides? See how that other actor guy is flopping around? You can tell in real life John Wayne rode horses a lot. See? He rides steady."

<LATER>

Hal: *returns to main room*

MOVIE: AUTOPSY ROOM. IT IS DETERMINED WOMAN DIED OF ASPHYXIATION.

Hal: "Well, whaddjya expect?"

<LATER>

MOVIE: COP LADY APPROACHES BRIDGE.

Hal: "Look up. Look up! They're always up! The raccoon is always up!"

MOVIE: INNOCENT BUT ACCUSED MAN IS ABOUT TO JUMP FROM BRIDGE. 

Hal: "Take her with ya. She's the one that gotcha. Grab her hand and jump. HAHA DO IT IN ONE! Can you imagine what it would be like for 25 feet of water to go through ya? It'd come out your eyes. You're like a hydraulic pump. You'd be spitting out seeds."

I tried to get some of that popcorn. He about had a heart attack.